Occult Detective Quarterly #5 – because I’ve got a soft spot for both the occult and detectives

Occult Detective Quarterly #5 – because I’ve got a soft spot for both the occult and detectives

Finished the excellent Occult Detective Quarterly #5 today, which was kindly sent by one of the editors as a bonus for backing the ODQ #4 Kickstarter. Honestly, I’d have happily backed a Kickstarter for this one too. Both issues have a great range of stories from various authors, and some of them lodge pretty firmly in your thoughts. There’s a couple here I’ll still be turning over in my head in a couple of weeks’ time. Particular highlights are teenage lovers sneaking into an old church, a twist on the ‘girl on a highway in the rain’ and a rock band with a distinctly unnerving studio.

You can pick up either an ebook version (Amazon US or Amazon UK) or the paperbacks (Amazon US, Amazon UK).

Lost In Translation

I own a copy of the Oxford Latin Mini Dictionary — because why not.  Flippancy aside, it’s handy in many ways, not least because I’m finally writing the story about the Roman soldier that’s been in my head for ages and it’s handy for finding quick cognomen for side characters.

But one thing’s always confused me about it: in the pronunciation guide, there’s this weird little section.

Latin has five different simple vowel sounds, each of which could be long or short:


a short, as in English cup (not as in cap).

Does that leave anyone else a little bit confused?  Not just me?

It’s taken me over a year to realise why this is so weird.

You see, the thing is, in the UK southerners speak with a different accent to northerners.  Well, all regions speak with different accents to one another, but there’s something southerners do in particular: they elongate certain vowels (barth instead of bath, for example) and they do something particularly weird with their Us.  It’s most noticeable in words like butter, which seems to come out from southern mouths like “batter,” only not quite as harshly as if they’re talking about a cricketer.

And clearly the only people who would ever be interested in speaking Latin (according to Oxford University Press) … are southerners.

I’m half-tempted to send them an email about it where all short ‘a’s in the email are replaced by ‘u’s and we’ll see how they​ like it.


* If I sound like I’m implying southerners are a totally different breed to northerners…  I guess I pretty much am.
Don’t worry, it works both ways; they treat anyone north of Watford Gap like they’re an alien species too.  As a reminder: the Midlands is not the North, it’s the middle.

All this just from considering crocheting a small cloak

I reckon Lirio is probably good with a crochet hook.  Not immediately — at least, not immediately for crochet, I’m sure he probably instantly devised four inventive methods for murder with one — and that lack of immediacy would rankle so much.  He’d always had a talent for picking things up quickly, although, again, mostly in the field of murder, so to struggle would be a nasty, unpleasant feeling and Ais would’ve found half-started projects being hurled past his head on a regular basis.  (“Please stop trying to kill me, love.”)  Lirio’d quit it, start it and quit it again four times in the space of a day, but having nothing else to do would drive him to keep trying (and failing).

In the end, it’d probably be Ais introducing him to someone he knows who could teach Lirio that’d turn things around (and make home life much safer for Ais again).  ‘Cause not only could they teach Lirio to crochet properly, but they’d be the spouse of one of the people who gut fish on the harbour, which gets Lirio a job to get him out the house and utilising his knife skills again, and probably precipitates his little … well, I guess it’s a detective business too.

The Sky Is Falling, Chicken Little

Something’s been bugging me for weeks now and I’m lacking anywhere else to have a little rant.  Here’ll do.

Lately certain indie authors have been throwing their hands up and running around going “Britain is leaving the EU! This means doom for UK book selling!”  And I’m just sitting here scratching my head and wondering where the fuck they’ve been for the last four years and why they failed to notice the damage the EU has actually done to indie publishers?

Did the entirety of 2015 pass them by, when the EU insisted that digital products — books included — had to suddenly abide by an esoteric and complicated new VAT structure that included raising the VAT rate on digital books from 3% to 20% (since many large companies are based in Luxembourg, which meant passing on the tax saving to the buyer)?  Or the way it screwed over indie book markets who now have to calculate VAT based not in their home country, but on the country of the consumer?

Presumably they didn’t have to sit down and go through the process of working out whether or not they needed to raise their prices to offset the fact VAT was no longer added on top of a book’s list price but was suddenly taken out from their earnings instead.

No wonder people flocked to Amazon, who did it all for them; if you had your own small storefront, but didn’t earn enough in the UK to be VAT registered, guess what?  It didn’t fucking matter.

2. If you are not UK VAT registered, and you are not using a digital platform, store or marketplace to supply digital services, then you will need to:
• Register for VAT in each Member State that you supply digital services, or
• Voluntarily register for VAT in the UK and then use the MOSS

Oh, and, just for added shits and giggles:

3. You will need to determine if your customers are 'taxable persons' who are in business and have provided you with their VAT Registration Number (VRN), or other information that they are in business, because if this is the case, you will be making business‐to‐business (B2B) supplies which will be dealt with under existing EU VAT rules, rather than B2C supplies.

HO THERE FINE CUSTOMER BUYING MY BOOK FROM MY WEBSITE, ARE YOU A SMALL BUSINESS?

​Bit personal.

Of course now people are falling over themselves to say, “but, but, but … the EU says people can reduce the VAT rate of ebooks to match printed ones! If we leave the EU we won’t be able to do it!”

Uh, says who?  And this is the same EU who, in 2014 when Malta and Italy did exactly that, decided it was illegal and threatened to prosecute them.

Oh no.  What will the UK book market ever do without the EU?

Maybe, possibly, become more fucking stable, that’s what.  (But let’s be honest, that’s unlikely because Bureaucracy.)