One of the many, many fun things about being autistic is the inability to relate to other people.
And I don't mean like an inability to be empathetic to people, because (sometimes) I do to a ridiculous degree. And objects. It's funny how people assume autistic people are logical to a fault and can't empathise with people, but we can. We just need you to not be so goddamn stupid (my main failing with empathy, including with myself).
Which makes life... difficult. Particularly if you didn't know you were autistic up until your early 30s. And a lot of autistic people discover they're autistic because they have kids on the spectrum and they see the symptoms in themselves but, y'know, there's nothing for adults who discover this by themselves. They don't have kids because they're trans, massively dysphoric, and can't eventually work out if they're trans because they're trans or if they're trans because they're autistic — because there's a high correlation between being autistic and gender dysphoria.
But most of all this trans adult, who was born in the 80s, wants to scream and rant, why wasn't this noticed before? Why did every single teacher ignore what turned out to be a massive red flag so large a herd of bulls could've charged right through it?
And I'm angry, like you would not believe. Because I look back on my life and I see everything I know now about, and how all these people in power over me should've seen them, but they couldn't fucking be arsed because I'd been conditioned since the age of five to shut my fucking mouth and get the fuck on with it. I didn't act out (for the most part) because I'd have copped hell in my home life (because telling my parents repeatedly I was a boy got me told it was "just a phase;" can you imagine what full-on autism would've been? even though in retrospect everyone agrees my father was autistic?) except for a couple of times, most notably when I bit someone. Isn't it funny how the biter gets in trouble when they were being physically assaulted in their school seat by the bitee?
i'm angry and resentful and there's nowhere for this anger and resentment to go. Where can it go? The schools that failed me are all run by other people. My mother couldn't care less unless it revolves around her.
I can't speak to anyone normally any more. I'm always looking for the 'right' answer. I used to play RPGs, tabletop games; I was still always looking for the right answer, the answer that would make people like me. Well that's impossible. People hate me for breathing. For existing. I don't know why I thought I could roleplay.
I'm just sick of everything. What's the point when every single little thing is stacked against you? You can't sell books because you're not personable on Twitter or Facebook, because you're always looking for a right answer that nothing in your life will ever supply. No one gives a single fuck about you because you're so autistic you can barely function — and yet you have to function, because you're also a full-time carer who works full time, and incidentally you have no friends at work and increasingly fewer shifts because of the above. In fact, all you've got out of work is the need for a wrist brace.
You don't even really have any friends. No one around you cares enough to check in on you (unless they want something, in which case having got it they vanish). Your neighbours dump their cuttings over your fence because they're inconsiderate bastards who already make your garden stink like an old pub — but that's okay because... what? Because they're a waste of space? Because. much like your mother, they think they world revolves around them and all the hedge waste they've thrown into your garden will miraculously clear itself up without them doing a thing?
Ain't life wonderful?
And people wonder why people commit suicide.
Asexual, aromantic, and transmasc non-binary. No, I have no idea how I ended up writing romance either.